Great advice on when your child is being "disrespectful": -
We all have days where we feel like our kids are being so awful, disrespectful, etc. to us or their friends. We have all been there and are so embarrassed. Unfortunately, we tend to react to their angry words and yelling by doing just the same thing back to them, or we punish them. What are we really teaching our children then? Obviously, they are frustrated and they have not learned or been given the tools of how to behave appropriately or to properly channel their anger. By punishing them, we are basically saying “It is NOT OKAY to have overwhelming emotions”. Is that what we want them to think? Absolutely not! So, I of course, after reading Sharon Silver’s article on “How to deal with backtalk”, I thought, she is SO right on! The solution is NOT TO GET ANGRY and YELL BACK it is to get your child to understand that their feelings are okay, but that they need to calm down, then discuss it with you, etc. Here is her wonderful article and advice.
“Don’t you dare talk to me that way!”
When a child is being verbally disrespectful, or as we called it in our home, “emotionally biting” someone, a parent’s defensive wall goes up and she screams right back! Circle of Moms member Jodie M. wonders how “to manage her own anger when dealing with oppositional kids.” Most parents who are having loud, ugly words screamed at them would react. The question is, “is there another option?” Yes, there is.
First, let me say that I firmly believe that parents should not be disrespected, or have to endure any kind of emotional rudeness, but it does happen. Once it happens a parent feels like there’s only one thing to do to stop it: punish! I want to offer another way, one that not only stops the rude and disrespectful behavior in its tracks, but also teaches.
Remember when your baby’s cry was her only form of communication? Rude, disrespectful behavior is also form of communication. Verbal disrespect and rude words are a volatile expression of feelings that haven’t (otherwise) been verbalized. The feelings need to be released or all sorts of things may happen.
When a child is screaming horrible things at you, the first thing you need to be aware of is your desire to scream back, “Don’t you dare talk to me that way!” or “Who do you think you are?’ or “You’re g-r-o-u-n-d-e-d!”
I’m not going to lie; it’s hard, and it’s normal to want to retaliate. But screaming and punishing in response doesn’t address or resolve the original feelings that caused your child to be disrespectful. They don’t teach a child how to manage the intense tidal wave he or she is feeling. Punishing her makes her swallow her intense emotions, and will only cause those same feelings to erupt again in a different form.
Parents tend to think children get angry on purpose. Your child doesn’t know how she got so mad. Her anger is a mystery to her. It’s also a cry for help. To a child, being really mad feels scary, like she’s out of control and her feelings have a life of their own. When you say, “Stop it now,” she thinks, Okay, but how do I hold this tidal wave of feelings back? Please show me, don’t punish me.
Parents need to accept that intense feelings are part of growing up. You are their safe place; you need to teach your child how to deal with volatile feelings by doing it yourself. How? By showing her something other than reacting, retaliating and screaming at her.
Imagine for a moment that a parent and a child are standing opposite each other. Stretched between them is a rope. As the child yells, she pulls on the rope and lets go. A tidal wave of emotion leaves the child and travels across the rope and hits the parent. Now covered in imaginary emotional goo, the parent pulls on the rope as she yells back. It becomes a tug of war, an emotional war.
In order for a parent to teach a child how to handle a tidal wave of intense emotions, the parent has to disengage and drop the rope, thereby stopping the tug of war, before any talking or resolution can begin.
This is the crucial turning point. You’ve stopped things from continuing to escalate, and have turned things toward resolution.
Your child will try to get you to reengage. She’ll scream mean words at you and she’ll be rude. Stay silent. Do not reengage; do not pick up the rope!
As soon as your child realizes that you’re not reengaging, she will also realize she was out of line. Now is the moment for action.
You might say, “When you get this upset, you need to calm down first, hit something, and release your anger (though exercise, or whatever the rule is in your house) before talking to me.”
Once your child has released the anger, invite her to talk: “Now please begin with an apology and let’s talk about your feelings calmly.”
By dropping the rope and stopping the emotional tug of war, you’re able to get to the crucial turning point and turn things toward resolution instead of keeping the “war” going by yelling and punishment.
I hope that the next time any of my three children has a disrespectful moment, I can take time to stop, think and then react, rather than simply react by doing something that a) you feel bad doing later, b) is counter productive. c) is not teaching/giving your children the necessary tools to handle things in a more proper way in the future and the future of their own children’s lives. Sometimes, what we think is OBVIOUS, is not always as OBVIOUS as we think! Great advice, you can also learn more about Sharon Silver on her parenting website called: http:///proactiveparenting.net. Check it out. Link is attached to this blog entry.
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Also, more TRUMPETTE GIFT SOCK SETS back in stock!
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Save 30% NOW through January 30th, 2012 -
What can I tell you? It has been two weeks since I last posted…I know, I have not been the best lately, BUT, this will make my customers happy!
January Special:
Save 30% now for the next two weeks on your ENTIRE ORDER! Shop now, details below….
It has been a busy and crazy Fall/Winter so far! My youngest daughter just turned 3 and she is so particular. She refuses to wear pants and shirts, ONLY dresses and particularly “party” dresses. So, mornings are not the easiest, as you can imagine. With temperatures below 30 degrees, I would much rather bundle my cute daughter in warm pants and sweaters, but oh, no G-d forbid I do that! You must choose your battles, so I do, but it still takes time each and every morning. I wish there were uniforms for 3/4 year olds! Are there any schools that have uniforms that young?
I also have been under the weather a lot over the last few months and even got Pneumonia, so I guess my immune system is shot, not sure. I eat fairly well, though I have included TONS of chocolate lately, (I so love chocolate, especially the Lindt/Lindor chocolate truffles which are now Kosher…unfortunately or fortunately). I would definitely say that chocolates/sweets are totally my VICE. I am sure I am not the only one…and I see my oldest daughter has totally followed in my footsteps, not a good thing!
It is also winter break for all three of my kids starting this Thursday and I have as of yet, NO plans! I feel so disorganized. Hopefully, I can figure out something fun last minute, albeit not too far away. We are thinking of doing the indoor water park thing, my kids enjoy that, so we shall see.
Lastly, but perhaps the MOST important thing, since cupcakes have been a part of our house since early January when it was our daughter’s third birthday, I decided to make the next two weeks sweet for you all as well. I am offering 30% off your entire order NOW (Jan. 16th) for the next two weeks ONLY! So, shop, stock up and save, save, save! This is one of the biggest discounts I have ever offered. So, take advantage NOW! Use coupon code WOWsave30 at checkout time. Happy shopping!
Check back often, as we will soon be adding new products.
Cool site: Looking for a way to fund your new venture? -
I just found out about a great site called Kickstarter.com. It is a place you can go if you need money to start up a business idea or get money to fund your specific cause. Take a look at all the creative people and/or groups of people out there that have received money to fund their projects. What a concept!
I will have to start thinking of something myself…it beats having to get a loan…
Check it out!
Enjoy!
Hi, Everyone!
Wow! I can’t believe we are soon approaching the year 2012. I don’t know where the time has gone! It has been a bit hectic lately. What can I fill you in on? I recently had Pneumonia and I did not think it would take this long to recover. I am back to feeling good, but still feel tired and because I have not been at the gym for over two weeks, my energy is on the low side. I NEED to get back into shape. I actually feel pretty good weight wise, but not toned. Okay, enough about ME.
My business is now into the THIRD year, the end of Nov. marked my second year anniversary and I am gathering some great products to make a gift basket full of goodies for ONE lucky winner, so stay tuned for the giveaway sometime this New Year. If any baby companies out there are interested in donating any products and becoming a potential vendor that I order from, simply email me at: info@startingoutsmall.com as soon as possible to let me know what you have to offer.
My youngest child is a sweet, adorable, funny, YET very mischievous little girl. I have a LOT of fun with her, but oh, boy, does she keep me on my toes. Some of the things she has done, I just can’t even blog about, because it is hard to believe and truthfully, makes me look like a “bad momma” so I will skip those few things, but she has become kind of tricky lately and she is not even 3! She speaks up a storm and has an answer for everything. I DO love her curiosity though and the fact that she wants to know everything, she soaks up everything like a sponge and I can’t pull the wool over her eyes about ANYTHING! The other day, she told me “You look beautiful, like a princess!” I was not dressed in my usual attire of jeans and a black shirt, so I must have looked like I was going to a royal ball. I took the compliment and thanked her. I believe I was just going out to dinner with my hubby (which we rarely get a chance to do).
I remember when I was an early childhood teacher I would often jot down all the funny and cute things my students would say, I thought to create a book about the funny things my Kindergarteners said, but never got around to it. Though I do still have the material. I never threw it out and my “first students” are in college now and I am NOT that old!!! (but it makes me feel old!) I should start doing that with my children. They say the cleverest things! My older daughter said to me today, “I am SO happy I have her”. She was talking about her little sister. Even though they are 8 1/2 years apart, it is her only sister with a brother in between for both of them and she said, “I don’t even remember what it was like not having her”. I responded that is what it is like when you love someone so much, you can’t remember life before them. She does add so much to our lives and I feel truly blessed to have three terrific kids! What are you thankful for before the year ends?
It is nice to be writing again…I am sorry it has been so long. What have you all been up to lately? Happy 2012! Wishing everyone a healthy, happy New year filled with lots of success, blessings and love!